New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
