im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I think people are normalizing furries
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
