apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
