i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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