In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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