Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
