mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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