When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
