I think I won the penis lottery.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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