Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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