Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
