I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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