dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
