This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
