I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
All I want is dick and wine.
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