just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
