Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
