She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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