Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
