he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
