i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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