Four minutes until I can fart!
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
