His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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