you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Randomize
