a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
