Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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