You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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