I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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