so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
