you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
