Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
