When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
