I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize
