did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.