Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
