How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket