Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
