she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
