some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
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He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
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A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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