Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
