do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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