Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
