I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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