Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
