i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
