Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
