It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You took a bar mat shot.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
sex in a hospital.. check
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
