does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
