You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
