Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
