yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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