At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
