If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
