Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Someone shit on the floor
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize