she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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