my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
