her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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