Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
