If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
