Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
