i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
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Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
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We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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