I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
