Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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