This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
